I could not see; I cannot remember why but my vision was blank. I felt a tension building up in my stomach, which slowly started working its way towards my throat. Bleurgh. I started heaving. “Good, let it out.” I heard my mother say, “it’s better if it gets out”. I was passed a bucket which I grabbed with my hands, and I kept heaving, but nothing was coming out – my stomach was empty as I had not eaten properly the past few days. I kept trying, but all I could manage was to release some spit.
Primary school was a mixed experience for me; naturally, I quickly bonded with all the other children, and I made friends easily. I was known for being in the top sets of classes, an athlete who was particularly fast at sprinting and I got to know children from all ages of the school. I was always aiming for the top, I aimed to be excellent, in the endeavours which I undertook- second was never for me. I believed through hard work and dedication I could advance and be in the lead. Often, I saw quick results; when I pursued something, I would dramatically increase my performance. I would analyse the top people in the world, through books and video, analyse how they do what they do and then implement it into what I was working on at that time. Fortunately for me, my household was one of the first in the town to get a computer; for some reason my father decided it was necessary, so he brought one and it opened me up to a world of opportunity and research. On the computer, I analysed the fastest sprinter at the time; how he would start his race, build up speed, raise his head, unleash his power and finish off strongly. I then practised myself, understanding the techniques and methods in which he took. I would analyse diets, daily routines, sleep schedules – anything which would give me the edge.
As a child, I had a natural ability to learn quickly and understand complex ideas; this made me very able in mathematics and the sciences – teachers praised me on my ability and gave feedback of high hopes that I would be doing something incredible with my life due to my intellect. Pleased to hear this, my parents had their plans for what I should be doing with my life. For them, the solution was medicine, they wanted me to work very hard and become a successful doctor or surgeon. Commonly in Asian households is the desire for the parents wanting their child to become a doctor; it’s on the top of the hierarchy, the crème of the crop – if you became a doctor, you are the success; you had everything your way, the money, the respect, the marriage potential. Being a young primary school child, I did not know anything about careers or what I wanted to be, I was just told I was gifted and that I should do medicine. I needed to get perfect grades with no failures and that was required of me in order to do medicine and become a doctor. So, excellence is what I strived for.
In order to achieve this excellent way of being, I needed a way do what the best in the world was doing; so, I took my strategy and implemented it into my academic work and also all my extracurricular activities. My bar was high, I had much to achieve, and I could not afford to fail anywhere. Every session, I put the gas down. When others were working at sixty percent, I was working at one-hundred-and-twenty percent. I focussed all of my conscious energy and my body to execute constantly and to high intensities. I worked my way to exhaustion every time. Soon after, I would get a feeling building up in my stomach. And sooner or later, bleurgh.
Day after day, it would be routine for me to vomit. Consistently, after eating lunch. After an intense physical education session. Anxiety over an exam. No matter what I was doing; I was pushing myself to the extremes which gave me extreme anxiety to the point where I would vomit whatever I had eaten. It got to a point where I decided I did not want to eat anymore in school, I felt more comfortable if I did not eat breakfast and lunch as I would have nothing in my stomach and so nothing to vomit out whilst I was in school. This managed to help stop the vomiting but the fact that I was not lining up for school dinners and that I was losing weight was starting to show. My mother had realised this and brought it up to a parents evening; the teacher found out and was shocked. Following the parents evening, the teacher wanted a quiet word with me and told me it was compulsory for me to eat breakfast and lunch and that there was no other way; I was reluctant, but I did as I was told.
Unfortunately, the vomiting continued on during the remainder of Primary School studies. I recall the time when we had the final year theatre production. There was a lot of excitement by the teachers of the event and the roles we were going to take. We generated a lot of ideas and thoughts about what we were going to do, and the teacher made a full script for the performance. Students were given their roles, and everyone was awaiting who would play the main role, the lead role. I remember being very excited just wondering who the teachers chose to be the star of the show; and to my surprise, I found out it was me.
Due to my creative temperament and the fact I was involved in some drama before I was chosen. During year three, the teachers saw some potential in me and suggested I go to a drama club which would perform in a local hall with the most talent youths in acting, they sorted out all of the paperwork and I was free to go and act. I remember going to a few sessions and immediately I was picked out for my ability and effort and for that role I was also told to play the main role, as the prince in the Frog Prince.
Having found out I had the role; I was very excited and was adamant to learn the lines and perform to my best ability. I practised alone, putting time and effort into my work. I researched the best actors on the internet and saw how they expressed themselves. Due to my natural extraversion and charismatic nature, I was in my element. However, some neuroticism began to creep in whilst I would start practicing with everybody else. I would know all the lines off by heart and I had the ability to perform, however I would get this tense and sickly feeling in my stomach when I had to perform in front of everybody.